Passover

Last night my family got together and celebrated Passover - both Laila and my husband's first Passover ever. I bought this adorable white dress from baby gap for just the occasion, and I myself managed to fit into a pair of my old dress pants. While there, Laila met her Aunt Elizabeth and her daughters Rachel and Rebekah for the first time, along with Aunt Elizabeth's boyfriend Tom. There was some drunken singing, and at one point my dad played tug-of-war with my cousins' dog ... with the toy in his own mouth! So, overall, it was a lot of fun. It's actually hard to tell when my family members are drunk because they are all so weird to begin with. My Grandpa was wearing a jacket with a hoodie all evening that caused my father to refer to him as MC Narcotics (he is a psychiatrist specializing is addiction to narcotics), causing his wife to call herself my Grandpa's bitch. Yea, like I said, we're a weird group of people. But isn't that the best? Better weird than normal, cold, and boring.

Passover is one of my favorite holidays. I'm more of a secular Jew, I have my beliefs but they don't necessarily align with Judaism and I definitely don't celebrate the sabbath or go to temple (unless you count what I do at work, but that's the children's service and it's part of my job)... despite this I still love Passover and the familiarity it brings. It's sort of like Thanksgiving, but the food is different and there's the comfort of the familiar reading of the Haggadah. Plus, I like celebrating freedom, especially when the history of the Jewish people is filled with stories of slavery and genocide.

ANYWAY! There are, of course, a ton of pictures. My step-grandmother Annie took a bunch of pictures that I can't wait to see, and I took some pictures myself. Here are some of my favorites:

Laila looking like she just realized something amazing

Laila meeting her cousin Rachel

Laila in Rebekah's lap while Aunt Elizabeth and Rachel look on

Aunt Elizabeth holding Laila while Rachel touches her head 

Laila and Enzio (Dad) wearing Yarmulkes

My husband holding Laila at the table, reading the Haggadah, and me

Just by luck I caught his picture of Laila laughing!  It was the first time  I heard a recognizable giggle from her. My husband says it is not the first time she laughed, but I'm counting it as the first time anyway since it is the first time I heard it!

And my father, playing tug-of-war with the dog

Vote Laila!

So I vaguely remember entering Laila into this photo contest ... anyway! I got an e-mail about it today ... so, VOTE FOR LAILA! She has a couple entries - vote for all of them :)

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photo 4

No work for the sick one

The assistant director at my school never called me back last night so I decided to just suck it up and go to work today because I don't want my boss to fire me... Well, the assistant director just called as I was waking up to go to work and asked me if I thought I was contagious. In all honesty I probably am, and I told her that, and she said not to come in. So, I don't have to kill myself trying to work today so my boss doesn't fire me because I got a free pass from the assistant director, and if my boss says anything I can just tell her I was told not to come in. Yay!
Now if only Laila would go to sleep. She has been keeping me up since her last feeding at 5:30. She hasn't been awake, just on the verge of waking up the entire time so I have to keep putting the pacifier back in her mouth, etc. I'm so tired. I'm feeding her right now, but if after she doesn't sleep I'm making my husband take care of her.

Sick

Three days back at work and I've already gotten sick. I was planning on calling out of work tomorrow because I feel so awful, but the assistant director hasn't called me back and I'm too scared to call my boss because I just know she is going to be so angry with me. So, instead, I'm just going to load up on meds (those that are safe while breastfeeding, that is) and suck it up and go in. Thankfully tomorrow is a short day - school closes at 3, and then it is closed the next day as well for Passover. I also have a dentists appointment tomorrow after work at 4 because one of my fillings fell out, but I'm not sure if they will let me come in if I am sick. I am going to call them tomorrow morning and ask if it is okay for me to still come in.

Anyway - yesterday was an exciting day. I woke up with a sore throat, but wasn't feeling that sick yet. We had a few guests over - LE, her husband Dan, and Alexsei (LE and Alexei are Enzio's friends from elementary school) and they got to meet Laila for the first time. LE was so sweet with her , while Alexsei seemed scared of hurting her so avoided picking her up. I've noticed this among a few men, it's kind of funny actually. Enzio's dad and my Grandpa are the same exact way. Anyway, it was very nice seeing them. Enzio and Alexsei went out that night with Enzio's brother in Brooklyn, and Laila and I went to my parent's house for the night. It was nice until I woke up the next morning (today) feeling like crap! I couldn't get out of bed until about noon (thankfully my mom and dad watched Laila for me) and when I got home I took a nap and have been in bed ever since.

Being sick with a baby sucks. A lot. And here's why - not only do you feel like crap, but you are also terrified of getting your baby sick. No kissing their little faces, having to avoid facing them as much as possible so you don't breathe on them when they are close to you, etc. etc. And on top of it all you can't even get a good nights sleep.

My days at work

The one good thing about pumping at work is that it has given me time to read again. My best friend Ella sent me all these books awhile back but I hadn't had a chance to read any of them. When I returned to work in Wednesday I started "Alice I Have Been" by Melanie Benjamin, a historical fiction about the person that Alice in Wonderland is based on. I am now almost finished with it! I have to force myself to put it down, it's just so good. My only concern is figuring out what to read next.

My favorite part of the day while I'm at work, however, is when my husband sends me pictures of Laila. Yesterday he sent me this adorable one:

Apparently, by the way, my new schedule of 10-6 was only for two days, and now I'm coming in whenever they need me. Friday I went in from 8:30-5:30 (I almost couldn't wake up!), and now Monday I'm working 9-3 (school closes early for Passover, and then it is closed on Tuesday), Wednesday I work 9-6, and then Thursday until the following Thursday I will be working 10-7. So not only do I not have a reliable schedule, I'm also working longer hours than what was agreed upon. I miss my daughter- I just want to be home with her! If I didn't need the health insurance I would quit right now.

My boss, by the way, tried to convince me yet again to bring Laila to our school. And once again I had to tell her it was too expensive. But it's more than that- with a 4-1 ratio in the baby room (meaning one teacher to every four babies) a lot of the time children are forced to just sit there and cry and cry, and teachers are often too busy or too frazzled to really do anything to help. I want my daughter in a warm, cozy, loving environment, and that just isn't what it is like at the school I work at ... In part because my boss and the company we work with are so set on being a school and are so cold and formal that a lot of the warmth gets thrown out the window along with accepting the title daycare (which technically our school is, but we are not supposed to think that, yet alone say it). My boss presents one world to the parents that just isn't the reality, and since I see that I don't want my daughter at the school. But when people ask I simply tell them I can't afford it.

Don't get me wrong, I love my coworkers, and they all do the best that thy an under the circumstances... And whenever they can they do provide a loving atmosphere for the kids.... It just isn't continuous, and I can't knowingly send my daughter into that. Plus I'm hoping to go to grad school in the fall full time (fingers crossed) which would mean quitting, which would mean having to find a new daycare for Laila if she went there.

Daycare

I meant to talk about this but guess I forgot - we found a great little daycare for Laila. My mom will watch her two days a week, and the other three will be spent at this place. It's small - it's run in this woman's home - but it's fully licensed. It's super homey and sweet, and hopefully Laila will like it there and they will hopefully like her as well. She'll start mid-April when my husband goes back to work. Only issue is that they are only open until 6, which causes problems at work (see previous entry), but oh well. We really lucked out finding such a great place last minute - the only reason they have an opening is because one of the babies is moving to Utah. So.. yay for that!

Back to Work

My maternity leave has officially ended - I returned to work yesterday. It's going okay. To be honest, it's hard taking care of other people's children when all I really want to do is be home with my own. And it doesn't help that I'm pretty sure my boss wants to fire me. Before I went back to work I told my boss that I could work either in the morning or in the evenings, which at the time was true. But then I found this great daycare for Laila and they are only open until 6, which means that I will have to leave work at 5 so that I can pick her up in time (I currently work until 6pm). This morning when I got to work she had me come into her office and told me that she didn't think that she would be able to "make it work" but that she would "try" but I HAD told her I would be able to work evenings and now that I won't be able to work between 5 and 7 three days a week she just doesn't think she can find a place for me. Then one of my coworkers told me they saw her writing an e-mail to someone about me (all they saw was that she was writing to someone about an employee who just got back from maternity leave). Ugh. I can't help but feel like she is writing someone to see if she can let me go without any legal repercussions (which I honestly don't know the answer to).

I've also only been pumping twice while at work - and I try to pump the second time during my lunch break in the afternoon so that I am not taking more time away from the classroom than I need to... today I got back from break 15 minutes later than when my break actually ends (which should be fine since I was using the time to pump, I wasn't just fussing about doing nothing) and when I got back to my classroom my boss was there and said something snappy about how I need to tell people when I would be back to the room. But I don't know when I will be back! It can take anywhere from 25 minutes to an hour! I am trying to relax while I pump so I can get as much milk for my daughter as possible, and it's hard when all I'm thinking about is my boss being pissed off at me for taking the time (even though she would never say it directly, let's just say she's terrible at hiding her true feelings). ... and I don't want to take as much time as I could because I don't want to get her pissed off at me. But maybe I should. Maybe I should just relax and do what I need to do and if she fires me, well, at least I'll be able to stay at home with my daughter.

Talking about pumping - I can't even pump enough to feed my daughter while I'm away, so we are having to supplement with formula. I produce enough to feed her straight from the breast, but apparently it isn't coming out the same when I pump which is really disappointing. Maybe I should pump more often but I'm scared my boss would have a fit.

:(

Date!

My mom watched Laila this afternoon and my husband and I went on a little date. Nothing crazy, but nice and relaxing. We went to Panera Bread and then we went to the movies. We saw "Identity Theft" which was pretty funny. It was the first movie I've seen since before Laila was born - I saw Lincoln back in November and was SO uncomfortable sitting in the movie theater and I had to pee so bad because Laila was pressing on my bladder. Anyway - the movie was free because I had these movie tickets that I got from my bosses back in December for the holidays, so that was nice. Really, the entire thing was nice. It was weird being without Laila, but it felt a bit like old times with my husband, which was refreshing and relaxing. 

Not going to lie though - I was a bit nervous about leaving Laila, but I trust my mother and the movie distracted me. Originally we were going to leave Laila with her and my dad for the night and go stay at a hotel for some quality alone time, but then Enzio got worried about leaving Laila overnight so we cancelled those plans. It was actually pretty sweet, so I wasn't upset at all. Maybe in another month or so! 

On the way back we got stuck in a big snow storm and it took us a long time to get home. Thank God for our snow tires! At one point Enzio got out to help push someone else's car out of the road (it had died)... people were stuck all over the place, and there were no plows in sight (kind of ridiculous). The whole time I kept worrying about Laila and what would happen to her if we got into an accident. Super stressful. Oh, the joys of motherhood. 

Sleep!

I have two exciting sleep related pieces of news!

1) I put Laila down in her crib last night and she slept there for two hours! After she woke for her midnight feeding I tried putting her back but she was having issues staying asleep there, so I brought her back to the co-sleeper. But still! I'm very excited!! Progress has finally been made!

2) I decided to google how many hours of sleep are considered sleeping through the night and found the answer to be about 7 hours. That means that Laila has slept through the night three times now! Once back in mid February and then again the past two nights! Yay for Laila (and me)

What I Read About Breastfeeding Today

I just read this article about breastfeeding that was semi-interesting. Something about how breastfeeding helps jaw + tooth development, all of which seemed to just be conjecture based on the jaws of humans back in the day when they were hunters and gatherers - perhaps it's true, I have my doubts, but that's not the point. What really caught my eye were all of the comments. There were women talking about how they breastfed their kids until they were five years old! Other parents talked about breastfeeding multiple children in tandem. They were all talking about how much they loved the entire thing, and how it was truly what was best for the children. And to be honest, the whole thing had me feeling uncomfortable. First, I feel strongly that a five year old is too old to be breastfed. I know there are women out there who agree with me, and there are women out there who are probably outraged by what I'm saying right now, but it's my opinion. I can't tell you exactly where I draw the line at 'too old to breastfeed', but it's probably somewhere around two. I've read places that say breastfeeding until 4 is something our ancestors did, and that it was great, and maybe it worked well ... but in todays over sexualized society, the impact is bound to be different. It should be noted that I haven't done any extensive research about the longterm impact of breastfeeding older children, but it's definitely on my to do list (and I will probably give an update when I have completed this task).

The other thing that bothered me though were these women talking about how they nurse more than one child at a time. As a nursing mother I know how much time it takes up to feed just one baby, but two? I personally would never be able to do that - I need time to be me, to take care of myself and just breathe, even if it is just for a little while. I wouldn't be doing that if I was constantly needing to feed kids from my breasts - when one was finished the other would probably be hungry again. The parents were saying it didn't leave them a lot of time to get things done, but that they did inevitably do whatever they needed to. But still, I can't imagine the stress.

The point I'm trying to make here is that it should be okay for me to not want to give up my life completely so that I can breastfeed my children. I feel like there is this sect of breastfeeding fanatics who want me to feel guilty about my not wanting to breastfeed for as long as possible and for not enjoying the breastfeeding lifestyle. I'm breastfeeding because I know it is what is best for my child, not because it is something that I love doing. There seem to be these two groups of vocal woman: those who think breastfeeding is the best thing they have ever done with their lives and that it should be done for as long as possible, and those who think that formula is the way to go. I want there to be a group of vocal women who stand for the middle ground, like me! To make women like me feel normal and not guilty and to acknowledge that sometimes, if not a lot of the time, breastfeeding kind of sucks. But you do it anyway because you love your kid and you want what's best for them.

Break Time

Yesterday was a bit of a tough... I sort of had a break down. It's been about two and a half months of constantly holding Laila and caring for her - the longest I had been away from her was about an hour or two... and I think I just met my melting point. I just got frustrated and had to put her down and walk away and then I cried. I was just so frustrated because I had not slept well the previous night, and Laila just wouldn't sleep in her crib. Enzio took Laila and gave me the day off, which I really, really needed. I went to the mall with my cousin and bought Laila a dress for Passover and a cute jumper with the rest of this baby gap gift card I had. I ate ice cream, had pizza. It was awesome. Afterwards I came home and rearranged the bedroom so that our bed is against the wall, and I put Laila's co-sleeper by the wall, so that Enzio and I can cuddle again.
I think that I need to take a step back from this whole crib thing. Laila is only two months old and she might just still be too young. I just have to let things be as they are and accept them and be okay with it. Maybe it will take awhile for her to sleep in her crib, but if I keep slowly working on it then eventually it will happen. I have some ideas to hopefully ease the transition though. I'm sleeping with her sheet, having her play in her crib everyday, putting on white noise, plus I'm going to make her bedtime routine more of, well, a routine. I'm going to try giving her a bath at night, swaddle her, and read her a story. She doesn't have trouble going to sleep, only staying asleep, but still, maybe it will help. I'm also going to try and train her to be better at keeping her pacifier in her mouth. I read that while babies are awake with the pacifier in their mouth, you just gently pull on it so that they suck on it harder - do this ten times every once in a while for a few days and it will train them to keep the pacifier in their mouth better. I'm working on that- though half the time Laila just lets me take it right out of her mouth with no struggle at all.

Still Fussy - Growth Spurt?

Laila and I after a long day of fussiness. 

I am leaning towards growth spurt in terms of what's making Laila so fussy and tired today. At one point today Enzio fed her a bottle (I needed a break from breast feeding for just one moment) and she drank a bit more than 6 ounces! For her that's a lot, as far as I know. In the past when she has had bottles she eats, at most, 4 ounces. She isn't eating more often than normal, at all, but I think she's eating more when she does eat... put that together with the fussiness and the sleeping and I'm pretty sure you get growth spurt.

Fussy Fussy

Laila is super fussy today. Normally when she first wakes up in the morning she smiles nonstop for at least an hour. The smiling slowly lessens and about two hours later or so she goes to sleep. Today she smiled a little bit for about an hour and then cried and cried and fell asleep. All day she has been extremely fussy and has been sleeping on and off all day, whenever she wakes she just cries. We took her temp - 99.5 (not considered a fever at this age)... but just because she doesn't have a fever doesn't mean that she isn't sick. She could be sick, or maybe she is going through a growth spurt or something. This is putting the whole trying to get her to sleep in her crib thing on hold. Which actually went pretty well yesterday - she slept in it for half an hour two different times. I don't want to try it while she is so fussy though - I know she would just wake up right away and then scream and cry for a good long while because she would be so upset that I put her down.

Pointella

Check out my lovely friend Ella's blog!

Oral Hygiene

While I was pregnant I read that it is really important to go to the dentist because your oral hygiene goes to shit because of all the hormones etc etc. SO I found this random dentist online that was near me that had good reviews (this is a cautionary tale against doing that, by the way) and there were a couple issues. First of all, I went in asking to have my teeth cleaned and to get one of my teeth fixed where a filling had fallen out. Instead, all that happened was that the dentist talked to me and looked in my mouth and charged me $150. At the next visit he took multiple x-rays and informed me all but my front teeth have cavities. He ended up putting caps on 3 of my teeth and that maxed out my insurance - which only pays for 1/2 of it all anyway so I still had to pay about $2000 dollars. Which is just ... insane. INSANE! And of course they didn't have a payment plan, so I had to put it on my credit card. Awesome. Not only was this all overly priced, but the dental hygienist was absolutely horrible - she barely paid attention and would randomly leave the room while the dentist was working on my teeth. What the hell? Anyway, then the dentist tried to convince me to get the rest of my cavities filled even because there was no point in waiting for my insurance to kick back in in January since I would max it out again anyway before fixing all my teeth. I'm sorry, what?! It was at this point that I decided to go somewhere else to get the rest of my teeth fixed come January.
But then January came and I had a newborn baby, so it wasn't until today that I could finally get my teeth dealt with. I went to this new place my coworker recommended and it was great - the people seemed to know what they were doing and they were super nice. I got my teeth cleaned - but here's the thing - I only have two cavities, not the 10 the other dentist said I had left. And the real kicker? Those caps the other dentist gave me? Yea, they don't exist! They charged me for caps but gave me fillings! I mean, are you kidding me?! So I plan on calling them tomorrow to try and get my money back or something. I'm just glad I didn't stick with them. Ugh.

Nap time in the crib!

I have decided that it is about time to start trying to get Laila on a little bit more of a schedule. I'm starting small - making sure we don't sleep past a certain time in the morning, making a concerted effort to get her to sleep at the same time every night, and trying to get her to nap at about the same time every day. This is all a lot harder than it sounds. Part of making this work is creating a bed time ritual. I know I should probably have been doing this already, but oh well. The ritual: wrap her up and read her a book or two. I've read her books and wrapped her for bed before, but the book reading isn't consistent and the swaddling usually only happens at night. I'm also hoping to start getting her used to her crib instead of her co-sleeper since soon she will outgrow it. I figured I'd start putting her down at nap time. I've put her down a few times before while she was sleeping but she always (always!) wakes up almost immediately - ugh. But it needs to happen.

So - today is day one. Usually she takes her first nap anywhere between 12:30 and 2:30, depending on how she slept the night before. She slept great last night (thank God!), and she didn't start to show signs of tiredness until about 2:30... so I wrapped her up and read her "Harry the Dirty Dog" and she fell asleep right away! It was amazing. I held her for quite a while to make sure she was good and asleep, and then I put her down in her crib. And guess what! She's still asleep!!!! It's so exciting! YAY! I know tomorrow she will probably not fall asleep during book reading and will probably wake up when I put her in the crib, but at least it is working today - that means there is hope for the future!

Laila Today

 

 

So tired

I am so exhausted. Laila did not sleep well last night, meaning that I did not sleep well. She wouldn't go  more than three hours between feedings, she fed for about an hour at a time, and then she had trouble going back to sleep once she was done eating. So basically I slept about one hour at a time. Ugh. Then this morning when she woke up (earlier than normal) she screamed every time I tried to hold her and was only happy when her dad was walking around with her. I think it was less about me & him and more about the fact that he was walking around and she liked the movement. It was... painful. I am so exhausted that I even took a nap today for a little less than an hour before my cousins came over for a visit. I slept so soundly I missed their call and had no idea they were here until my husband came in and woke me up because they had arrived. She did not nap a lot today either ... and she was basically a fussy mess. I just hope that she sleeps really well tonight!

So Strong!

Laila is getting so good at holding her head up! She can now push herself up on her arms as well! She's my wonderful, strong little baby, and I am so proud!

2 Month Drs Appointment

Today was Laila's two month doctors appointment! As a refresher last month her head circumference was about 14.5 inches, she weighed 8 pounds 2 ounces, and she was 21 inches long. This month her head circumference is 15 inches (putting her between the 25 and 50 percentile), she weighs 10 pounds 2 ounces (between the 10 and 25 percentile) and she is 22 inches long (25 percentile). She got one oral 'shot' - I'm not sure what else to call it. Basically it is everything that a shot it except that it is administered in liquid form through the mouth, sort of like liquid cold medicine. She hated it! Poor little Laila cried and cried. Little did she know that the worst was yet to come - an actual shot! She cried for about five or ten minutes, but after some hugs and kisses she was back to her smiling self.

When we got to the doctors Enzio went to take her out of her car seat only to find that she had taken a massive poo that leaked all the way down to her toes!! After changing her she immediately started pooping again and we had to change her again. It was a bit insane. Her incessant farting made the nurse laugh! We think her diapers may be a bit tight now making the poop leak out instead of staying put - after all the newborn size says it goes to 10 pounds. So, next diaper change we are going to see how the next size up fits her! She's getting so big, but to put it in perspective I just remember that still ten pounds less than our cat Milo lol

I asked the doctor about Laila's skin, and she said that she won't necessarily have skin problems for the rest of her life. She said sometimes babies just have extra sensitive skin and that as they get older it gets less sensitive. So, that's good news! It means Laila might not be plagued with eczema for the rest of her life. The doctor also said that all her congestion might also be due to her young age, and that it might just go away when she is a bit older. I asked her about allergies (bringing up what seems to be her allergic reaction to almonds), and the doctor said that allergy testing is done at about one year of life, and that even then it isn't very reliable since they are still so young. She said the congestion etc. might be due to environmental allergies, but that there wasn't anything to be done at this point. The doctor said that unless the mucus moves to her lungs, that there isn't really anything to worry about.

It's sad to think that next month I probably won't be going with her to her doctors appointment because I will be back at work! It is going to make me sad not to be there. But, Enzio will be bringing her, so I know she will be in good hands.

Talking about work, I'm still not sure what classroom I will be working in or what hours I will be working. I've been talking with my boss trying to figure it out, but the last e-mail she sent me (which was a few days ago, and she has yet to reply to my response) basically implied that I won't be working full time anymore, but that I will be subbing instead. Considering the fact that 1) Working as a sub would mean I wouldn't get benefits and 2) i't is against the law for her not to hire me back to a full time position like that one I had before, I am quite concerned. She still hasn't replied to my response (in which I nicely told her that I was confused), but hopefully it is all one giant misunderstanding. If she doesn't respond by Friday (I sent the e-mail on Sunday I think) then I will try either calling or stopping by the school to talk to her.

Daddy Dearest

The last two nights I suggested to Enzio that we try and have Laila sleep in her actual crib at night instead of her co-sleeper, but he said no. The first night he said no because he had seen this horrible video of a babysitter beating up the kid she was watching. Apparently it was really vicious and he wanted to keep Laila close to him. Last night when I brought it up again he said no because he said that Laila is too little and should be kept with us. It was actually very sweet. It would be nice to cuddle with my husband at night, but oh well. I love how much he loves her :)

Breast feeding

I am not going to lie, I have been disappointed by breast feeding. First there was the nipple soreness and the complete paranoia that I had thrush or a clogged milk duct when in reality I was fine. Then there was the realization that wherever I go, baby goes, because pumping milk is a huge pain in the ass and I don't want to leave her with a bottle and go out anyway because I will become engorged and my milk supply will take a hit unless I pump- something I am not willing to do out in public. For some reason I never realized that breast feeding was a lifestyle choice until after i gave birth. But the most disappointing thing for me is that I don't feel this huge bonding sensation when my baby breast feeds. I was told it would make me feel so close to her, but instead I feel like her personal cow.

When I talk to my husband about this he reminds me that this is a choice, and as such I can stop if I want to. The truth is though, I don't feel like it is that much of a choice because at the end of the day breast milk is the best thing my baby can eat. Think of it like this: why would I give my child expensive TV dinners when I could give her a healthy organic home cooked meal for free?

My original goal was to breast feed for one year. My new goal is six months. If I get to that point and still want to breast feed I will, but otherwise, I won't. She will be old enough that she won't be needing as much to drink especially since she will start having solid foods at that point to fill her tummy. Wish me luck!